Dental porn...at Longs!

So I have had a pretty excellent day today. I didn’t have to be at work until 9am. I slept well. All of my clients were in great moods. I had a fantastic salad for lunch. My underwear didn’t ride up my butt. All was well in my land.

Who knew a trip to Longs could make it SO much better???

I must digress for a moment…

Remember when you were like, in HIGH SCHOOL, how it was kind of rad to make out in public? You could mess around with your boy/girlfriend by your locker or at the football game – perhaps even participate in some inappropriate over the sweater action – and it was cool. You were MAKING OUT and GETTING SOME and it was fun! Or perhaps I was just slutty? We could go with that...

Anyhoo, I was in Longs this afternoon buying sundries and realized that I was out of toothpaste. Rounding the corner of that particular aisle, I almost ran smack into a couple who was going at it FULL BORE. I mean, there were tongues, hands down the pants, the works.

They were both, like, in their late forties. And it was not hot. Or rad. Or cool. Or fun for me.

It was just GROSS. There were panty hose, some errant ear hairs, hot pink nails and a bad blond dye job involved. Ew.

Who knew the dental care aisle could be so hot? I mean, was he checking for cavities? Was she testing the integrity of his fillings? I don’t know, but I skirted past, grabbed my brand and made a hasty retreat. In typical Jen fashion, though, I realized that I had forgotten my floss, and so back I went, where they were still going at it. The disgusting factor had increased as now they were adding moans to the show. Was this some version of dental porn?

I turned to exit the aisle and met a little old lady, head on, who was pushing her walker ahead of her. She was clearly one of those women who you wouldn’t want to cross, her irritability wafting a good ten feet in front of her. I moved to the side to let her pass and retreated again, the moans of the two love-birds following me into the shampoo aisle. And this is when it got interesting.

The little old lady, either irritated because her walker couldn’t pass the two idiots or just perhaps reminded that she hadn’t gotten any in a while was clearly un-amused by the show. One of the things I love most about older people is that they just don’t care what anyone thinks of what they say…it’s as though your verbal filter gets removed, age 65. And she let them have it:

“WILL YOU TWO SLUTS GET A ROOM? FOR GODS SAKE DO YOU REALLY THINK ANY OF US WANT TO SEE YOU FOOLING AROUND LIKE TWO GOD DAMNED TEENAGERS WHEN WE’RE TRYING TO SHOP FOR A TOOTHBRUSH? TAKE IT SOMEWHERE ELSE. AND FOR CHRISTS SAKE ACT YOUR AGE. UGLY WHORES. I SHOULD RUN YOU OVER WITH MY GOD DAMNED WALKER! SLUTS!”

Seriously? I nearly wet my pants! I especially loved the second “SLUTS!” in case the first one, followed by “WHORES!” didn’t get their attention. Perfection! Had she had a cane with her, I'm sure I would have heard "SMACK SMACK SMACK" as she beat them both down (that being said, I wish she HAD had a cane, because that would have been awesome). I had to stifle the urge to go and hug her – an act which I’m sure she would have berated me for. I SO wanted to follow her around for the rest of the day…and perhaps even sic her on some people who have been annoying me lately. She would be an awesome secret weapon.



P.S. Does anyone know where the term “making out” came from? Because it doesn’t make sense OR sound right…yet we all use it. “We TOTALLY made out!” I mean, how does that imply two people kissing? I need to know. Fifty cents and my undying love to whomever gives me a satisfactory response.